Mother math

Here's my husband having a grand old time at his grandparents' home, circa 1972. After a recent similar experience (read on!) I'm amazed that his grandmother paused to take a picture before yanking him away. I suppose that's a grandparent's privilege!


My husband permanently excused himself from any sort of advanced homework help when he glanced at our then sixth-grade son’s math worksheet and airily said, “Oh, I don’t know how to do that. Go ask your mom.”

Far from admitting any weakness, this move of my husband’s was pure genius. I wish I’d thought of it first.

Like it or not, I’m now the sole information desk for kids with ages in the double digits. It can fry the brain cells, I tell you. (Not to mention the nerves.) Concerning math, my career ended in high school long, long ago. I have the dubious distinction of having graduated from college without ever taking a math class. (Yay, AP calculus!)

Yet math is everywhere, right? So in an effort to brush up on my skills, I present the kind of math that abounds in our household. I can thank the first vivid equation for inspiring me to think in such mathematical terms.

• A 4-year-old who seldom flushes + 1-year-old who loves to splash = a 97-decibel scream of discovery, 15 towels and a mid-afternoon bath (thus rewarding 1-year-old who loves to splash). Sigh . . . (and no, I was not calm enough to take a picture!)

• Kid with candy + dad in the room = “Daddy tax.”
This sum is the same as: Kid – candy.

• Teenage boy’s hunger is directly proportional to amount of food in the house.

• Teenage boy burns more calories repeatedly opening fridge and pantry doors than can be replaced by the food he hopes to find.

• No matter how many days, or even weeks, a child knows about a school assignment, homework can be done in one hour – as long as it’s the eleventh hour.

• There is no way to evenly divide a pan of brownies among five kids. Especially when you factor in one chocolate-loving mom.

• A 1-year-old + a clean room = a messy room.

• Each pair of so-called helping hands in the kitchen increases meal preparation time by 25 percent. Clean-up time increases by 75 percent. (Amount of helpers now drops precipitously.)

• Number of laundry loads rises as the temperature outside plummets. (Who ever promoted dressing in layers, anyway?)

• Items normally used as pairs will become fractions the minute you need them: shoes, socks, mittens, etc.

• Every new child adds 20 minutes to estimated departure time – forget arrival time!