Baby steps

Rank and file: There's a definite hiearachy at elmentary school -- especially the first day -- and doesn't sixth-grader Emma know it! These three could not have been so evenly spaced apart if they'd tried.

This picture of Kyle isn't actually from the first morning of school; that would have been a blurry dash

of errant shoes, backpack and pencils. Yet this afternoon shot is strangely appropriate:
Look, he still doesn't know where his shoes are!

When the friendly crossing guard lady (that's our term, is there an official one?) greeted our stroller and backpack caravan on the first day of school, she couldn't possibly have known how much her words stung.

"Wow! Your baby is getting so big!"

Yes, he is. Samuel was born the day before school started two years ago, when Elise started kindergarten. Aside from diapers and gibberish there's not much baby about caboose Samuel anymore. It makes a mother sad.

It's James' turn to start kindergarten. He's so excited, and I'm excited for him. Yet this milestone is tempered for me because it breaks a long-running pattern in our family. Not only was Elise's first year of elementary school marked by the birth of a baby, the others were as well.

Yep, I was three for three. I learned I was pregnant with Elise at the precise time we had to register Kyle and choose a track preference at his year-round school. We chose one with a break we hoped would correspond with Elise's debut. I also wanted morning kindergarten because we were without a second vehicle then, and the school journey was just shy of a mile -- the narrow distance between being acceptable for walkers, but not far enough to have to require buses. Accounting for summer and early fall heat, I figured it would be easier for me to be a pregnant wagon train in the morning.

One of the funniest things about that first baby/kindergarten combo was when Kyle's teacher approached me about being in charge of the Halloween class party. Hello! Can't you see I'm 8 1/2 months pregnant here? Sure, I said, if I'm around. Well, I was. Elise was overdue, which was a bit of welcome torture after Emma had been six weeks early. Elise arrived on Nov. 6, conveniently during Kyle's three-week school break.

James also came during a school break. Having a baby with a kindergartener wasn't so bad, but having one with a kindergartener and a full school day student? That was crazy. I felt like I was in an eternal school transport loop, frantically trying to fit feedings into non-existent blocks of time. It's no wonder that most of James' naps were in the stroller or car seat, poor kid.

And Samuel, too, whose birth was the craziest timing of all. (You'd think I would have learned my lesson!) I remember holding that beautiful day-old newborn alone in my quiet hospital room, looking into his intent eyes, but with my own mind elsewhere. It was hard for me to miss Elise's big day, and the others' new starts. What a treat for Jeff, though, to be the launching parent that year.

The start of the school year is always a mixed bag for me. I think school is the greatest. I'm thrilled for the opportunities ahead for my children, but sad that the balance of time with them each day shifts abruptly. This year I'm also especially sad that I let my own problems keep me from enjoying the summer -- and that open malleable time with my children -- more before it was gone. (Hmm, maybe escaping from harried mom is why they're so excited this year . . . )

It's hard to see my children grow up, to wonder if I've done enough to help them in the world. It pains me to know that Kyle has only this year of school and four more before graduating from high school (gasp!).

It's almost as if my time to get things right with Kyle is measured, finite. That's a heady realization.

But then when I realize that my days as a mother of young ones are also measured, that my number of first days of kindergarten is down just to Samuel's one, why, that makes me want to cry.

Right in the middle of the crosswalk.